Looking Good

Short little update for you - saw the doctor this morning and he was encouraged about the heartbeat tracings from last night for both babies. This means that I'm back to monitoring three times a day instead of all. day. long. So thankful for that. After a while, the all day monitoring begins to feel like you've got three belts tied real tight around your waist. And you're just better off if you don't try to move and lie still .. because if by chance you do try to turn to your side, you've got two nurses in your room trying to locate baby b's heartbeat for 45 minutes. And baby b's heartbeat hasn't actually gone anywhere - she just wanted to move too.

Blood work from this morning came back good as well. I'll now have blood taken every three days to make sure that they have a current "type and screen" on me (I think that's a fancy way of saying that they'll be ready down at the blood bank whenever these babies come just in case). But bless the lady from this morning - it was 7 AM and I think I had just gotten to sleep when she came in to take it. They certainly get moving on Saturday mornings around here - breakfast and housekeeping were both here before 8 AM as well. Hello, lady with two babies and no sleep here .. and it's Saturday people. Needless to say, I wasn't worried about the trash but I'm glad that I was alert enough to stop her from going into the bathroom where Justin was taking a shower ... twice she did her best.

So things are looking good - babies are stable and bleeding has pretty much stopped. No signs of infection so the doctor thinks things have stabilized. But I'd have to say that both Justin and I were ready to deliver the babies yesterday after this whole ordeal - it had us both fearful that something just crazy was happening. I mean, we're very aware that several more weeks in there for the babies is best, but when you're thinking that them being in there is worse than them being out here, it's amazing how fast you'll think about getting them out .. and pronto. But thankfully our doctor is a balanced care taker who can weigh the risks and the benefits and through much discussion with us, we all felt better knowing that they are okay right now, I'm okay right and so we wait some more. It could be a day, it could be two weeks. But every day that they don't come equals three days that the babies don't have to spend in the NICU. And that equation is one that doesn't take a genius to figure out.

Hope everyone has a great day - one of my best friends from high school, Melissa, is coming to visit today all the way from Louisiana. I'm looking forward to seeing her and her little girl and I'm glad she'll see me still pregnant! For those of you who have asked for pictures, yeah, sorry. Not a priority obviously and when we did make our feeble attempt, the batteries died. So we're working on it ... well we're working on getting more batteries just so we're prepared when the babies come as Justin will have probably about a minute to snap some shots before the babies go to the NICU. But when we get batteries and if I remember it, I'll do my best to get some pregnant pictures posted for your viewing ... I would say viewing pleasure, but not everyone enjoys pictures of pregnant people and I can only assume that some of you reading this are agreeing with me (although you'd never admit it).

Thanks again for those of you who are praying for and lifting us up. I continue to be overwhelmed with the comments, messages, emails, etc. that I've been getting regarding our situation. Some from people we don't even know. Wow. God is good and we are thankful that he is using his people to encourage and support us. Please know that even though I can't possibly respond to every single person, we see your comments and read your emails. And we're grateful for every one. Justin and I were talking last night and I told him that I was ready to know the purpose of all of this ... what are we supposed to do with our experience? When? How? And of course he said the wisest thing - we won't know until these two arrive and we see what God does through them, through their lives, through their gifts. All we can do is be faithful in the best way that we know how.

And I realized once again that we may never know on this side of heaven the meaning of our experiences, trials, joys. But God does and in this life, he gives such simple instructions - do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. How a simple concept can be so darn difficult to do is beyond me - but isn't it? I mean, good grief, if I could get this one set of instructions down, I'd be so incredibly elated!

Yesterday was filled with anxiety for me and I didn't know what to pray. And I wasn't too fired up about being thankful either. But last night God's peace certainly transcended our understanding of the situation as we gave this back to him once again and lifted up the little ones inside me. And prayed for ourselves, our fears, the doctors and nurses, and the list goes on. And he gave his peace, which is just what he said he would do.

Not today ...

Hi everyone - thank you so much for your prayers and encouragement. We finally saw our primary doctor around 4:00 PM and were able to have a lengthy conversation about our situation. In short, I must have started having contractions at some point yesterday evening, probably due to the steroid shots, which is what caused the bleeding. And when you start to bleed, it makes you contract more and makes you dliate (I am 1 cm dilated right now and praying that it stays that way). And it's a cycle that continues unless you can get the contractions or the bleeding to stop.

Our doctor said that the babies did not look good on the monitor early this morning, but throughout the day as the contractions have let up and the bleeding has almost stopped, they have perked up. I am still having contractions though and if the babies look like they are in distress when the contractions happen, then that is not good. So now it is day to day even more than usual.

We'll continue to keep you updated as we can - please continue to pray for us and the babies. It's been a long day to say the least.

Kristi

Did I say uneventful?

So I'm learning not to speak too soon, but since you never know what's going to happen, I guess there will always be times when you claim something and then the opposite happens.

Which is what happened last night .. had a good day and we were just waiting for the nurse to come in with a sleeping pill that is magic. About that time, I noticed what I thought was fluid leaking (sorry if this is too much information, but if you want to know what's going on, you're going to get it all from me). No big deal for someone whose water has been broken for over a month - happens all the time. But I soon realized that it was much more than what I'd experienced before .. and by the time I got up to see what was going on, I had been bleeding for a little while and there was quite a bit. I quickly entered panic mode and Justin called the nurse. Once she saw our dilemma, she went directly to page the on call doctor who called back with instructions for me - start an IV, continuous monitoring and watch the bleeding to see if it let up any.

By the time she comes back, I'm shaking so hard I can barely stand. I thought I would break down in tears, but I think by Justin and both nurses being so calm, I was able to hold it together. But last night was long - I had meds about every three hours and since I had the monitors on non-stop, it was a little uncomfortable.

This morning they took me right away to have an ultrasound done and the babies continue to look fine. They drew blood to make sure my blood platelets were still okay (a sign of losing too much blood is low platelet counts) and everything came back fine. The high risk doctor is having me monitored this morning and won't let me eat or drink anything, just in case we need to deliver. And by this point, I AM HUNGRY! If you know me well, you already know that one thing I can't handle is missing a meal - it makes me fiercer than almost anything. So I'm praying for patience :) But thankfully so far everything continues to check out fine and so long as I don't keep bleeding heavily, they will just continue to watch all of the factors before doing anything serious. The bleeding has slowed down immensely since midnight last night - a definite praise. By the way, just in case some might be wondering, there is no way to tell what may be causing this to happen - could be the placenta or something else totally different.

But goodness, I'm tired ... not so much physically, but emotionally and spiritually. It seems as though at least one big, isolated thing happens each week and just when we think that we've been going along with no other hitches, here one comes. Frankly, it's getting old and it's hard to be excited when so much has happened. I know the truth that God is with us and that he is the one responsible for creating these babies and knows them so deeply and because of that I trust him. But there are moments when I feel so alone that I can't help but doubt. That's when I ask God to help my unbelief.

I'm still waiting for my primary doctor to come by - she's always the easiest to understand and the most cautious in terms of procedural type stuff. I know I'll feel better once I've gotten the chance to talk to her and see what's she's thinking. She's going on vacation tomorrow, so I'm a little uneasy about that :)

Thanks for praying - we appreciate it and could not do this alone.

Kristi

Almost the Weekend

Anyone have any plans for the weekend? Believe it or not, I do :) Okay, so I'm not going anywhere ... BUT Justin's dad and uncle are planning a visit for tomorrow and leaving early Saturday and one of my best friends and her daughter will be visiting from Louisiana on Saturday afternoon. So, yes, I have visiting plans! I also had a few visitors from work today too and it was good to see them as well!

I was supposed to have an ultrasound today, but when I got down there, they asked me what I was doing there? Um, really? I just do what they tell me and when they told me it was time to go, I got in the wheelchair and off we went. But apparently since I just had a scan on Tuesday, the doc wasn't interested in seeing the little ones again so soon even though I have a standing order for Thursday ultrasounds. So I guess Monday it is. The heartrate tracings looked good again today so praise God for that!

Had a little bit of breakdown yesterday .. that's usually how it goes for me though. I tend to be able to handle a lot and then it's a little thing that makes me lose it. Yesterday, it was the nurse coming to give me a necessary steroid shot - I lost it. When she took my blood pressure, it was like I had been excercising for 20 minutes or so. It was like the shaking, can't catch your breath kind of cry. But afterwards I felt much better and once again, God used that time to comfort me and let me know he's with me. And then one of the ladies who works here during the day wheeled me down to the gift shop for a little respite from the room. Bless her!

I've now watched more college basketball than I care to admit, but I'm thankful for it. At least it's something that I understand :)

That's it for today - very uneventful and that's what we like!

Back to Center

Do you ever think you're happy only to realize at some point not too long after that you're not? Not as in not happy with life in general, but not happy with who you've been becoming?

I thought my relationship with God was good, where it needed to be, where I wanted it to be. And then came the past few months and you know what I've realized? I have been so concerned with going through the motions, keeping busy, working hard, saving money that I'd been missing what was needed most - a deep, fervent, vibrant relationship with God. A relationship where I trust him with my very life. Sure, if you would have asked me if I trusted God before, I would have said absolutely. But I wasn't trusting him with every single detail of my life. I was still very much holding on to many a thing and in true independent fashion, I was relying on my own strength for way to many things for way too long.

And so a thought came to me today - God is using this experience to bring me back to the center of where I need and want to be. I pause here because right after the "back to center" phrase came to mind, so did a little old school 4 Him ... we need to get back to the basics of life, a heart that is true and a love that is blind, a faith that is fervently grounded in Christ, the hope that endures for all times ... anyone else hearing it? Anyone? Nope? Alrighty then!

Onto the point ... I say need because I am nothing without him and I say want because I recognize that I am nothing without him - and that's what prompts the want, for me anyway. I like it when the need and the want come together and the desire to know God becomes about the need being met and the want being fulfilled at the same time. So many times I've known I needed him, but haven't wanted him. And I've wanted to know him more, but for some reason thought I didn't need him. Both of those scenarios have led me in the past to seek God in a shallow way. Sure, there have been times when the two have come together, but the past couple of years haven't been that way. It's been one or the other and rarely the twain have met :) What, did I just use the word twain? Is that even correct? If it's not, just give the bedrested girl a break.

I've been listening to Louie Giglio a lot lately (great way to pass some time and be challenged), but the last five minutes of one of his messages entitled Living for the Glory of His Name has been wearing out the ipod. He's talking about Jesus and reminds us of who he is as you move throughout scripture - so many times I'm guilty of forgetting. This reminds me of my need and fuels my want.

In Genesis, Jesus is the ram at Abraham's altar.
In Exodus, Jesus is the Passover Lamb.
In Leviticus, he's the High Priest.
In Numbers, Jesus, is the cloud by day and the pillar of fire by night.
In Deuteronomy, Jesus is the city of our refuge.
In Joshua, he is the scarlet thread out Rahab's window.
In 1 & 2 Judges, he is our Judge.
In Ruth, he is our Kinsman Redeemer.
In 1 & 2 Samuel, he is our Prophet.
In the Kings and Chronicles, he's our Reigning King.
In Ezra, he's the faithful scribe.
In Nehemiah, he is the rebuilder of everything that is broken.
In Esther, he's the Mortecai sitting faithful by the gate.
In Job, he is my Redeember, who ever lives.
In Psalms, the Lord is my Shepherd, I shall not want.
In Proverbs and Ecclesiastes, he's our Wisdom.
In Song of Solomon, he is the beautiful bridegroom.
In Isaiah, he's the suffering servant.
In Jeremiah and Lamentations, he's the weeping prophet.
In Ezekiel, he's the wonderful four-faced man.
In Daniel, Jesus is the fourth man in the midst of the fiery furnace.
In Hosea, he's my love, who's forever faithful.
In Joel, he baptizes us with the Holy Spirit.
In Amos, he's our burden bearer.
In Obadiah, he's our Savior.
In Jonah, he is the great foreign missionary that takes the word of God into the whole world.
In Micah, he's the messenger with the beautiful feet.
In Nahum, he's the avenger.
In Habakkuk, he's the watchman on the walls who's ever praying for revival.
In Zephaniah, he's the Lord, mighty to save.
In Haggai, he's the restorer of our lost heritage.
In Zechariah, he's our fountain.
In Malachi, he's the Son of Righteousness with healing in his wings.
In Matthew, thou are the Christ, the Son of the Living God.
In Mark, he's the miracle worker.
In Luke, he's the son of man.
In John, he's the door by which every one of us must enter.
In Acts, he is the shining light that appears to Saul on the road to Damascus.
In Romans, he's our Justifier.
In 1 Corinthians, our Resurrection.
In 2 Corinthians, our sin bearer.
In Galatians, he redeems us from the law.
In Ephesians, he's our unsearchable riches.
In Philippians, he supplies our every need.
In Colossians, he's the fullness of the Godhead bodily.
In 1 & 2 Thessalonians, he's our soon and coming King.
In 1 & 2 Timothy, he's the mediator between God and man.
In Titus, he's the blessed Hope.
In Philemon, he is the Friend that sticks closer than a brother.
In Hebrews, he is the blood of the everlasting covenant.
In James, it's the Lord who heals the sick.
In 1 & 2 Peter, he's our Shepherd.
In 1, 2 & 3 John, it's the Lord who has the tenderness of love.
In Jude, he is the Lord coming with ten thousand saints.
In Revelation, lift up your eyes church, for your Redemption draws nigh. He's the King of Kings and the Lord of Lords.

29 Weeks & Water Works

Sweet - we made it 29 weeks! And we are SO incredibly thankful. But do you remember how I said that anything can happen on any day? Last night was interesting ... suffice it to say that eating a fantastic grilled cheese sandwich from the grill downstairs at 11:00 last night made Baby A rather feisty. Feisty enough to break his water around 3:00 AM ... yeah, it's true. (I probably forgot to tell you that the doctors came back to say that they think it was initially Baby B's water that broke over a month ago and not Baby A.) At this point though, it doesn't really matter who's doing what or when. We just had an ultrasound yesterday and Baby's A fluid was around 4 cm. Today it's a little over 1.3 cm. I'm not sure what else to think except that Baby A was not happy with Baby B getting all the attention and needed some .. of course, I don't REALLY think that and I don't think it was the grilled cheese either. But needless to say, we're into new territory now.

This is what we know: there is a higher chance of me going into labor now that both waters are broken, they will more than likely give me two more shots of steroids (known as a rescue dose) to try and help the babies lungs develop some more, I will be monitored more often to make sure I'm not having contractions, there is a higher chance of an infection setting in since Baby A is lower and more exposed to potential bacteria and we still wait. Just because Baby A's water has broken does not automatically mean delivery thank goodness. But overall, it probably means that delivery is more imminent than it was yesterday and our 32 week goal may or may not be reached.

So please continue to pray - that I won't go into labor, that the babies are developing even now and will be ready to come (later than sooner), for health for them, for trust for me and for strength for Justin. We need your prayers today just as badly as we did at the very beginning of all of this. And we're so thankful for them. We know that God is not surprised by this little turn of events and that he is faithful.

Blessings,
Kristi

Welcome!

Welcome to our blog! Shew ... glad we finally got something going before the babies get here - I was afraid we wouldn't get it together and wouldn't be able to update everyone as much as we want to over the next several weeks.

Today has been a fast day and I'm thankful because today also marks the end of one month and the beginning of another. Can you believe that I've been here for a whole month already? Me neither. At times, it seems like forever and at others it seems as if it's flown. I was thinking yesterday about what physical things I've missed since being in here ... work, my house, my dog, going to church, cleaning, preparing for the babies, etc. But truly, nothing life changing has happened - except being here. And I'm being so serious about that. My life has changed and I'll never be the same. If you think I'm exaggerating, just spend a month only getting up to go to the bathroom and having hours upon hours to think and see what you come up with :) My perspective, my focus, my goals - all changed. And so I guess that's what I need to focus on - just being here and being content with being here.

At any rate, now that we've gone the serious route for a few moments, let's switch gears to talk about the events of today. As I said, it's gone pretty fast. For one, we took a tour of the NICU this afternoon and had a wonderful nurse explain what to expect when the twins are born. (For those of you who don't know our story, please feel free to read a synopsis at the end of this post.) So many tiny babies in a little separate nursery ... very humbling to say the least and it reminded us of why I'm here in the hospital. And praise God that I'm 29 weeks tomorrow! Another answer to prayer. They gave us all of the NICU rules, visiting hours, expectations, etc. I'm glad we did the tour because all of that information at once would be too much once the babies are here. This girl would have a serious breakdown if we didn't get acclimated to what's to come beforehand as much as possible. The only thing she didn't explain was the different machines and such - since we don't know what our babies will need, we don't need to know what every single thing in there is and I was thankful for that. That would have been definite overload.

We also went for our first weekly ultrasound around dinner time. Babies look good - again, they are both moving, practicing their breathing, heartbeats and dopplers are good (dopplers are the measurements of blood flow from the placenta through the umbilical cords to the babies). Baby A's fluid looks good and is back to normal at almost 4 cm. Baby B's fluid is still low, right around 1.6 cm, but this is better than last Thursday when they couldn't find any to measure. Obviously, hers tends to fluctuate a bit :) Doctors are still guessing that we'll make it to 32 weeks, which will be on April 14th (whose keeping track though, right?). Of course, there's no way to know for sure as anything could happen at any give time, but they will do another growth scan around April 9th. If either of the babies have fallen behind on the growth scale, then we'll talk about delivering them. If not, we'll wait some more. But from this point, the countdown is T - 5 weeks or less.

God is answering the prayers of his people and we are absolutely thrilled! Please don't take that to mean that if we hadn't made it this far that I would be indicating that God wasn't at work. I know he is working in our lives through this no matter what happens, but we just need to give him some praise for how he's growing our babies. We continue to be blessed by everyone who prays for us, sends cards, visits, etc. It would have been a lonely month without many of you!

And lest you think that I'm being crazy strong and don't struggle with being here, know that there have been many days when I've simply looked out the window and cried - for so many reasons. Because I want out, because I want healthy babies, because I want to know why, because I'm scared, because I'm thankful. You name it, I've probably felt it lately. I'm sure that Justin has had his own share of thoughts and prayers regarding the past few months as well. But each time God has met me here in this room and has reminded me of what he says in Psalm 62:

Find rest, O my soul, in God alone; my hope comes from him. He alone is my rock and my salvation; he is my fortress, I will not be shaken.

I don't say that to build myself up, but to say thank goodness God meets us where we are - otherwise what would be the point? He knows our deepest need and meets it every time whether we can see or feel it immediately or not. That's good.

Please continue to pray for Justin, myself and our babies. Justin has been amazing through all of this and such an encouragement to me. But he could definitely use your prayers as well as he continues to work away from the office quite a bit and stays here with me most nights. For the babies, continued growth and development. And at the moment, I need some patience. I snapped at the guy who came in this morning to take my temperature and blood pressure ... whoops!

Be blessed,
Kristi

As promised, a short timeline for any newbies:

October 2008 - found out we were expecting twins. there were actually three babies, but one did not begin to develop as the other two did. yeah, um, what?? surprise!

November 2008 - normal appointment and ultrasound

December 2008 - ultrasound showed low amniotic fluid for baby b and referred to hospital specialist for another ultrasound; given low odds for survival of baby b overall; spent one night in the hospital and five days on modified bed rest at home

January 2009 - more ultrasounds and things looking better; baby a and baby b growing; had some complications and couple of office visits which ended up being normal; scheduled regular monthly appointment

February 2009 - complications and issues beginning on 10th; stayed four nights in hospital and was put on bed rest at home after that; back in hospital two days later for same complications but released to bed rest at home after two days; five days later went for regular appointment and admitted to hospital on 23rd for remainder of pregnancy when I was almost 25 weeks along because my water broke

March 2009 - hospital stay continues and babies continue to grow despite water being broken and despite odds given for baby b way back in December - sweet!